The thinking goes nothing

Hi, I’m back again. I’ve been so far from writing these days. Well, mainly because I just don’t know what I should do in my life and I started spending time for myself, thinking and thinking and thinking. And see? What’s up? Nothing. I got nothing, I mean I do got something in mind, but it never ever moved.

I’m up for painting my room white again, but it’s been one month and it is still horrid. Okay, that’s it. I thought a lot and I always always think that I’m gonna do something, I wanna make something useful or so powerful in my life, I always wanted more. But it’s nothing again, empty. Vacío. ZERO. So, yes I thought if I can’t even be responsible to what I want which is simple, just to paint the room where all of the things are here at home, I just need to move my butt off and start working, and I didn’t do and obviously will turn out to be nothing too. So, I started to make things happen just so I know I can make other things happen too.

I am waiting for that someday, that someday where I’ll achieve all of my dreams. Which are,

  1. Travel all over Europe (target is next year. problem? dinero! of course)
  2. I want to be a Fashion Designer (this is what i wanted to be, but i never really go for it and I think I’m old)

Those are on top of the list, there are more. Of course. You know, I like to do many things until I get confused of what I really wanted in life, what do I really want for me, that would make me be happy. I’m afraid that I keep chasing on loads of things or unimportant things that will make me lose the best thing in life. Simply like when I think a lot, I miss loads of other things that I can do 🙂

AZ

I’m sorry I’ve broke too many things

And parading my mood swings

For this I hate my being

But there you are caring

Never would you stop backing

You draw away these pain

Until I’m doubtlessly believe

It shall not conquer me

Thanks Az.

Crookville

I am drowning in an ocean of grief,
I couldn’t even see the star that shines bright,
The stars that shine for me,
I am blurry blind,
And all I could think is;
Why is the sky blue and sometimes gray?
Why does rain drops and snow falls?
Why can’t we see every constellation written in the stars?
This has mystified me.

It’s peculiar how a bad thing could turn the whole day horror,
I have broken too many things,
Like everything I touched will be broken,
At first I thought I was just at the wrong place in the wrong time,
But I’ve broken too many things,
And this is what I’m afraid of,
The last thing that I want to break–myself,
I am a mess, a terrible mess.
I’ve kept this feeling,
Couldn’t keep it anymore,
It’s time for me to burst out my cry.
I am losing myself,
I am not myself,
I am crying my lungs out,
but no one hears me.
I bet I scream in lowercase,
Covering my scream with pillow in pillowcase,
It’s useless to cry
Cause I do try to fix the broken wings,
But I couldn’t help it.

Somehow the cry has mitigate me,
So it is worthwhile,
And I wonder somewhere in this whirl world,
There are people too, feeling the same way as I do,
People laugh, people happy, people mourn, people sad
-at the same time,
There are people born and died-every second,
I think of the pain.
Maybe theirs are worse.
Maybe I should be grateful greater.

Life must go on and it never stops for you or me,
Not a single second could it stops and wait for you.
I continue my walk,
I see a fogging painting in the gloom room,
It is a bubble tribal and some dazzle doodle,
It somehow sway me to swallow,
There will be glee in the jungle of sorrows.


I think this is my first best poem that I wrote thank you for those who have supported me with my passion. I have never believed in myself that I could be anything I really really want because no one really supports what I am into. Anyway thanks! 🙂

Obscure

It’s almost 4 a.m.
But eyes wide open
Lying on bed for hours
But I find myself thinking
Unsure of what it would be like
Future
It’s like fog
Sometimes it’s cool yet it is scary
Sometimes you can see what is in front of you
But sometimes you can’t
Above all,
Do not worry much
Enjoy the moment now
You don’t want to lose some of the great time

Couldn’t think of any

It’s been a long time since I’ve been in love and I don’t know how it feels anymore nor do I know how to be in love. But suddenly you came into my life and touched me then you leave, just like that. Though I know I’ve been pushing you away because I’m scared but please, now I don’t know what is this. Is it love? I am darn. Confused. Once people told me, you’ve been so alone for years you wouldn’t know the difference of being in love or you just love all the attentions that he gave. Shall I just text you? — I don’t want to hurt you if you’re not my the one because I have this big imaginary prince charming. But no one is perfect in this world. So do I.

But. Omg. I’ll just stop writing because he just texted me.

-end xx

Lost and still lost

I’m lost in the wood
And i cannot be found
I dont know whether
I want to or not

I’m lost in the wood
And its empty
No other beauty could I see
Just a feeling of numb

I feel so alone
Like in the darkness
I’m scared

There’s something missing
I don’t even feel like myself
There’s something missing
I don’t know what must I do

 

 

 

 

Our True Beauty

This is the all in one response to what I heard is happening around the world and how grateful I am to be myself. “Don’t Judge A Book by Its Cover”. Maybe because of our differences, we don’t really understand each other well. Sometimes we need to know a person inside and out and change our view.

 
I’m grateful to be born as a Muslim woman,
There’s a lot that God forbids us to do,
I should cover myself,
But not the whole parts,
I can show my hands and face.
It is a simple thing people think it’s ridiculous.
I’m not forced to do this,
It’s a belief, what I believe.

I’m grateful to be born as a Muslim woman,
I don’t have to feel so insecure that I got scars, cellulite or something weird on my skin,
I don’t have to feel ashamed of my hair if it’s not pretty enough,
I don’t have to be worry of the size of my body,
And most of all,
I don’t really need to follow the definition of beauty that the media tell us,
I don’t need to keep myself to be always beautiful for other people,
Because God said, we can’t change our face and body,
He creates us beautiful and handsome,
Maybe you don’t see it.
It’s in you.
All of you.

So we respect each other because we can’t change ourselves,
We respect the face and shape that God creates,
And be ourselves.
Thousands of dollar shouldn’t be spent on beauty,
I don’t think we should,
No point in thinking over things you can’t change, right?
Just put on your seatbelt and sit tight.
Grow up. Get old.
Stop telling little girls about the unrealistic standards of beauty,
Stop asking us to throw away our hijab,
It covers our true beauty,
That you might not see with you naked eyes.

 

The Free Time

I just want to write something but there is no inspiration right now. I am finally feel so free.i just finished my mid term exams so I wanna write. But because of this feeling of so free, there’s nothing I could think about. We got the time for ourselves in this house and clean it up together. It’s cool.

I am choosing 3 topics for my public speaking presentations as there will be 3. Or I might join a public speaking contest about ASEAN countries, so it would be 4. I got one topic already, and I think it’s interesting. That’s for English class, ‘How Long Should You be Dating before You Get Married’. It’s a very subjective topic. Well of course there’s no specific time as to how long should you date a person, right? I wrote a poem for it,

 “When I was 8, I’ve been taught about happily ever after,
Disney movies and chick flicks, they made us forget the reality,
At the age of 12, I started to plan my wedding,
What colour do I want, the place and what to wear.
But it’s a miracle that, years later I realized there is more than just meeting my prince charming.
I realized that it needs commitment, responsibility and respect.
And love itself is not enough.
It’s funny how dating feels like a holiday and marriage feels like a job.
So the question is, am I really ready?”

Just a short one as I actually have 30 seconds for this poem intro, but I’ll break the rules anyway because the important thing is to finish within 7 minutes and not more. It’s going to be a spontaneous one, so I hope I won’t take longer than 7 minutes.

I still am thinking about other topics and things that interest me. I want to talk about women, beauty and social media but haven’t got the topic yet.

Thank you if you are reading my thoughts.

All the best to me!